Thought I would share a recent poem revision. I always find the rewriting and revising process to be an enjoyable, and often surprising, enterprise. Though I am aware of the admirable theory of "first thought, best thought", I find in poetry that that only applies to my work in pretty rare cases. Sometimes the first draft as it flows out onto the page is prefect, nothing need be done. But more often, after the poem has sat for days, weeks, years, I find that I can detect what I conclude are some missteps in the poem. After the initial inspiration, sometimes the ear needs to come back later to refine the sound, the flow, even the meaning.
In the example here, the first draft was written in my field journal long ago (winter 1998). I was teaching a Sierra Institute program in southern Arizona. We were backpacking for 9 weeks, and doing our academic work while camping out in the Sonoran desert. Here is the first draft: When the thing flew from a hole in the tall saguaro, he felt a wind that lifted the land from its far edge like a blanket, folded it over him both flat and round, day and night both included in the weave, and he went down under it not knowing what it was, and later he could never answer whether the thing that flew breathed fire or water. Okay, now here is the recent revision: When the thing flew from a hole in the tall saguaro he felt a wind that lifted the land from its far edge like a blanket folded the whole size over him sky first dirt and rock second and he a fleck of color pressed beyond guise such that later he could never answer whether the thing that flew loved him in particular or just was passing through. Now this revision is recent enough that I could very easily decide in a few days, weeks, months, whatever, to change it back or change it into something else, but for the moment, I like the changes. Though it sticks faithfully with the starting image (something flying from the saguaro), it takes the consequences of that event differently, and I think with a little more detail, and a little more of the essential mystery.
3 Comments
Jeffrey Kahrs
7/20/2017 12:19:16 am
Your revision is much better. Eliminating the punctuation allows the words to take on the quality of water and flow from line to line.
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Walker
7/20/2017 06:46:27 am
Thanks, Jeff.
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I love reading both, as well as your thoughts about the process. It's so like my creative process, and it's something I enjoy about fb - I often go back to previous posts many times, not only correcting the grammar and mistakes, but re-writing, adding and editing down to simplify and clarify the communication. Thanks for the glimpse into your process Walker 🚶
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AuthorWalker Abel Archives
July 2017
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